Thursday, August 27
He Said, She Said
How do you perceive the behavior of the opposite sex when it comes to dating & relationships?
"The point of dating and relationships is to find a person with whom you have that extraordinary connection. The problem I find is, once you find them, what do you do from there?
Much like two experienced fencers facing each other for the first time, dating has become a series of feints and fakes. Truth doesn’t really enter into relationships until months later, and it’s only then that we find out that our beloved is a rabbit-boiling-in-a-pot-lunatic. The biggest problem with relationships is that we’re simply not honest with each other.
For men, when we first meet a woman, its’ a great deal like a nearsighted catcher trying to read the pitcher’s signals. We won’t get a lot to go on form her, not for a while. Whatever we do will be discussed with her omnipresent friend at length, at a later date in the worst light possible, so the heat is on. We say something at dinner. She looks at her friend, and purses her lips. This will cost us dearly, we realize with horror, and so we spend the entire night reading their silent signals, wondering if the pitcher will throw the curve ball or the high heat. She is not going to voice her displeasure here, but, by God, it will be voiced. By women bringing lots of disagreeable friends with them, they put men through a gauntlet of criticism. The relationship is no longer you and her, it’s you and her and her good friends that thinks you’re head is too big and her good friend who thinks your gear is fake and her friend who can’t stand you, because you remind her of her ex.
Let’s say we find someone, and we’re immediately interested. If we’re too eager and we let the wrong woman know, they use us until we’re completely spent, like a sea bass with a hook in it’s mouth. So, we learn to suppress our feelings for some time until we realize what sort of person this is, and can we trust her with our feelings? That leads us to restraining ourselves constantly, much like the Victorian era gentleman…
“Pass the butter, dear” Evan said. I love you, he thought. Your eyes twinkling like twin stars, you skin like sandy Sao Paulo beaches…
“Lovely day isn’t it,” he said instead.
“Quite.” She said.
For men, we’re not being real at all. We date people we really don’t want to be with because we’re bored and there’s nothing better to do that night. Or we do what she wants for an evening, because we don’t feel like arguing about it, not because we particularly like her. Relationships fall through, things happen, so like an experienced traveler, we always have a contingency plan if things go wrong, and her name is Dana or Michelle. We go through pains to perpetuate an image, because more and more women simply care about male stereotype instead of the actual individual. Some women care less about who you are then if you have Timberland's and a throwback jersey. I know a great deal of friends with unpaid bills, but a closet full of designer clothes, because in the end, it’s your image that’s important.
In the end, men and women spend the majority of their time trying to convince the opposite sex that they are what they are really not, and when they hook up based on that illusion, no good can come of that.
In view of that, I’m making the only resolution that counts – a personal one. I will be honest. I will stop playing games. If you ask me, you will know what our relationship is, I won’t feed you crap. If I’m feeling you, I’m man enough to tell you and if you can’t handle it, I probably shouldn’t be with you anyway, because you’ll keep playing the same game that I won’t play anymore. I won’t string along multiple women at the same time, insisting that we’re just friends, but doing the things with them that are more than friendly. I will be honest.”
Can I respond back to him?
Ok, you’re right, you are going to discussed at length with our friends. Doing it to find fault with your every move, contrary to popular opinion, isn’t the optimum goal. Believe it or not, some women want to find things to love about you. I think that you’ve been burned too often, in fact, often enough to have altered your perception.
I say this because you mentioned that “by women bringing lots of disagreeable friends with them, they put men through a gauntlet of criticism”. You didn’t say “if women bring,” or “when women”, but “by women” – as if this is the only thing we do, “bring disagreeable friends”. That’s just not so, and it makes me wonder who you’ve been out with lately. In all fairness let me say…no, a woman’s friend shouldn’t dog you unnecessarily, that’s just uncalled for. But understand that ladies protect one another, and therefore, do appear in groups sometimes. It’s the way it’s always been done and will continue until the girl you have the extraordinary connection with the “disagreeable” friends decides that she wants you no matter what her girlfriends say.
But if you’re out with someone whose friends are looking at you head, cracking at your gear and comparing them to their former flame …you aint’ with the right girls.
This exposed nerve of yours is pulsing and while not unfounded, it is surely not a widespread problem.
BTW, if you’re not feeling her and your man enough to tell her and she can’t handle it be man enough to accept it without attacking her integrity or her friends by assuming it’s a game they’re running on you. She may have been damaged from a previous relationship, or maybe she just wasn’t feeling you – and that’s not playing a game, that’s just being real…isn’t that honest enough?
Your resolution is an admiral one. Your take on the need we sometimes have to be someone other than ourselves in relationships is sadly true. I just ask that you don’t allow your past experiences to color your new ones.