Tuesday, August 18

The Code of Honor

"Oh, you're killing me SadGirl. You with your emails about your cheating best friend. That subject is touchy and I hate to get preachy. But I did promise you I would discuss it, So here you are - stop harassing me - you've won, I'm fessing up to how I feel about it. "

The Code of Honor is protocol, a set of rules that is understood between friends when it comes to love and relationships; boundaries not crossed in order to preserve the friendship. It in a whole is too expansive to cover all at once, but for now let’s start with the basics:

Thou shall not covet thy friend’s current or past lovers.

It’s one simple commandment yet it’s become a fad to ignore it and be selfish on a whim for ones own desires and wants. This behavior is quite contagious, it seems. What happened to not getting “too close” and respecting the friendship? What is so hard to understand about this commandment? Just because it wasn’t engraved on tablets and carried down the mountain by Moses doesn’t mean it isn’t a sin. From the onset of any friendship, this is a HUGE no-no. You risk damaging a relationship with the one person who probably means the most to you. Once that happens, you might as well hold onto any apologies because they’re always a day late and a dollar short.

Still trying to comprehend all this? Have I confused you with the thou and thy? For the record, that means YOU. Now, there are two parts of that commandment I want to dissect. Count it off aloud: One, two. Now lift up your hand and use your fingers – uno, dos.

The first principle covers coveting a friend’s current lover.

There’s not much to say about this other than: If anyone who thinks it ok to break this one, you are a scumbag. Even if you’re just “thinking” about doing it, in theory, you’ve already put it into practice. In essence it is the equivalent to walking up to your friend, slapping them in the face, prying their mouth open, taking out their piece of candy, putting it in your mouth and running away. Sounds like an exaggeration you say? But tell me, how can one describe stealing from a heart?

Not entirely without shame, is the person who got involved with the stealer. They too share the blame, on the basis that they should have known better than to jump from one friend to another. It’s no different than dating someone and then moving on to his brother or sister. Coveting the current lover is a bold statement to your friend that your happiness means more than theirs.

Secondly, there’s coveting a friend’s past lover. In case anyone claims confusion as to the term and or definition of “past lover”, it does not mean someone they had a one-night stand with. Nor does the past have a time limit; the past is all involving, all including. Unfortunately, people waste time trying desperately to use this as an excuse. So, if you were thinking of using it, let me just say, it’s lame, unbelievable, and will more than likely get you some well-deserved physical therapy sessions. But if you still feign mental retardation as your choice, this select group is usually referred to as ‘the ex’.

Surely somewhere, some naive person is reading this justifying his actions. “You are so wrong PC girl,” I can hear them saying, “My friend wouldn’t mind; they would want me too be happy, no matter who it was.” To which I reply, “Your crap runneth over. "

They could have broken up five years ago; she could have cheated on him, he could have left her for someone else. Hell, he could have tried to run her over with his car and she had a restraining order put out on him. But you’d better not touch them! Friends only remember that person as their own. Their lips kissed, they shared the inside joke, the favorite song, etc… In their mind, that person holds a place reserved for past loves and you cannot interfere with that. It’s the tried and true time travel mantra: matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

No matter how big my soapbox gets, people will constantly try to make what’s wrong right again. “I know they used to be involved with my friend, but I’m in love. I deserve some happiness too.” I’m sure you do, just not there. Nice try, but we ain’t buying it. But perhaps I can interest you in some crap that doesn’t stink.

And for you select group of people that will try to do it on the sneak tip: It may work for a while, but when it blows up, duck. For anyone I know, trying this, doing this, wondering about breaking the “Code”, the muffled voice you hear on your machine saying, "I know you know I know you know I know." - That’s me.


The Peach Tart said...

Sounds like you had a friend who was really not a friend. There are certain boundaries between friends that should never be crossed and getting involved with a current or ex is one of them. No excuses.

otherworldlyone said...

Wave your hands in the AIIIR! High five! Ect, ect.

I hate it when people find this concept too hard to grasp.

And the candy in the mouth comparison...perfect, miss. Perfect.

Lauren Modery said...

It's amazing what we will do because of insecurity.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

“Your crap runneth over."

Love this!

I must agree. It's one of the most popular - yet often violated - unwritten rules of friendship. Hands off the ex! There are too many fish in the sea for the sad excuses.

So ... what if you and your friend become enemies? Then is it okay? Do you really like the guy or are you simply trying to burn the former friend even further? Thankfully I've never been in a situation like this.

The Politic's Chick said...

OWO - Thanks :) be emailing u soon.

LM - isn't it?! I never thought to tackle it from the point of insecurity - very interesting.

AS - Hey, nice to hear from you again. I've had that happen to me - a so called friend testing the waters with my then boyfriend. I don't think the emotions are going to change even if you become enemies, fact is you were friends when the incident happened.

I think nine times out of ten they don't really want the other person they just want what you have. In my case my so-called friend needed to know what made me so special that made him want me over her. She made a play for him and it didn't work. But ask me if we're friends now ...that a big fat NOPE!

JenJen said...

No excuse. No double dipping.

Eva Gallant said...

I totally agree.

stopping by from SITS to say hi; hope you'll do the same.

SkylersDad said...

Completely unrelated, and doesn't pertain to me of course, but how do I have to wait to get involved with a friends ex barnyard animal?

Penelope said...

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Since I am now married, if a friend dated an ex (it would be unfair to my husband to harbor feelings for an ex) it should technically not hurt me or bother me.

Then again, if I was left by someone I loved, for a friend, that would kill me, so it really depended on the circumstances (that has not happened, but I can see where *that* is practically a sin, especially if it's a spouse that left, and *because* of a friend.

For a friend to date an ex boyfriend though? I don't think it would bug me.

GypsyFox The Glamorous Betty Crocker said...

Thank God this has never happened to me, but it has happened to a friend of mine & I know how much it hurt her & it's just common sense you DON'T do that..

"common sense is apparently not that common."

The Politic's Chick said...

Eva- thanks for dropping in Eva.

Skylar's Dad - I think you might have a bigger problem. Do I need to do an article on loving your pets 'too much'? LOL

Penelope - welcome :) I hear you on being married and perhaps not caring but if I weren't it would seem like a huge conflict of interest if a friend dating someone I was romantically involved with.

LiLu said...

I am with you wholeheartedly. More importantly, this should not have to be explained!!! But you did a damn good job of it. :-)

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

I went to college in TX and was in a sorority. Amongst the bizarre rules I learned as a pledge was the dating code. You had to ask permission to date a sister's ex before you went out with him in order to not have calamity in the House. It was crazy, but it really helped keep friendships alive... I'm with ya.

Saying hi from SITS! What a fun site!

Lisa Anne said...

I hate home wreckers too. Don't worry for a man, once a cheat always a cheat and they both will get their karma. It comes back around 10 fold!!